I’m reading The Art of Extreme Self-Care: Transform Your Life One Month at a Time
Managing our boundaries is a potent form of self-care. The first step is getting clear on what your boundaries actually are. A clear picture in your heart and mind gives you the confidence to say no in the moment. No futzing, hmm-ing or haw-ing. No need to talk it over, worry or weigh the pros and cons. If you’re offered a job with a 60-minute commute and you’ve decided 30 minutes is your max – decision made!
You probably have some absolute no’s that you’re clear on already and there are probably quite a few things that if you added them to your list would make you feel a whole lot better. One way to find your absolute no’s is to pay attention to when you get annoyed, angry, frustrated or stressed. Ask yourself, “What is going on that I really want to say no to?” Maybe it’s “I say no to working late” or “I say no to being late” or “I say no to guilt-trips.” Write it down and make a commitment to honour it.
I’ll give you a personal example. It was a tough one. I had an opportunity to work with a great group. I was excited and raring to go. As we got closer and closer to the date, I hadn’t heard from the organizer. We hadn’t arranged any details. Before I knew it, the date we’d talked about was right around the corner. I started to worry. I couldn’t start making lists and getting supplies and planning the agenda and creating the content. I really wanted the opportunity but…
All of this discomfort made me think, “What is my absolute no here?”
I will say no to even the best opportunities if I feel rushed and like I don’t have what I need to show up empowered and prepared.
That was tough! I imagined people saying, “Jamie, be a go-getter. Dive in. Sometimes opportunities show up and you have to go, go, go!” I worried that if I insisted on this standard, I’d lose out. But then I reminded myself of some of the things I’d lose out on: stress, rushing, being ill-prepared. I was ready to let those things go! So I created a boundary centred on how I felt and what I needed. If I feel relaxed and prepared to show up in 30 minutes, I will. If I feel rushed and ill-prepared with 4 days, I won’t. This feels like an awesome standard to me!
What are your absolute no’s?
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{ 7 comments… read them below or add one }
I appreciate the link to Cheryl’s book and the idea of an “absolutely not” list but what I really love is the bowl you’re using to hold the burning list! Is it marble? The color is really beautiful. Maybe I can get the sexysculptor (see today’s post) to make me one.
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Hi Jamie,
Boundaries is one of my favorite topics. Looks like a good read. Most angst is caused by us not speaking up for ourselves, to say either yes or no. On my absolute no list are
a) doing anything a doctor tells me to do that doesn’t make sense. For example, taking all that calcium. It didn’t make sense to me, so I investigated and am glad I did. I suggest other women do the same.
b) being obedient. this is really dangerous for one’s emotional health.
c) saving my life for “someday.” I subscribe to the philosophy of “somenow.” Do what you want now. Someday may never come. Somenow is already here.
thx, Giulietta, Inspirational Rebel
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Wow Jamie, that is extreme care for you! Good for you! I absolutely hate feeling rushed as well, that’s a big no-no for me. It’s how I get hurt, rushing around. My extreme self care? I don’t take calls in the morning or the evening. I will always sleep as much as I can. I never make appointments in the morning and only two a week tops. Not bad eh? I love this topic, so important for us to do this for ourselves.
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What a nice concept. What are your boundaries? Where do you draw the line? I would have to say my biggest one is “No Negatives” even in the worst of times. Those negative vibrations can bring people down and this is so destructive. I’ll have to think some more about other boundaries in my life. The no negatives is a big one for me.
I do like some of Guilietta’s and Suzie’s. There’s lot’s of food for tought in those!
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Love this concept. There are some thing I need to add to my no list. Sometimes saying now is hard, but it’s so important. Thank you for linking to this book.
xo,
Carmen
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Cheryl has some amazing concepts. I love her work!
I don’t have an absolute no list ready to go, but my absolute no is usually anything between work shifts that creates drama or takes away from my quality time with my children.
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Parties and events stress me out big time. The next time someone asks me to help out during the event I WILL say no (I can help send out invites, etc., behind the scenes stuff, but running around during the party…uh uh).
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